i wake up already behind: living with emotional burnout.

some days feel like treading water just to stay afloat.

Why is so much expected in life?

I don’t really know. I just know that some days I wake up already feeling behind, like there’s this invisible checklist I have to complete to keep my life from falling apart. It’s not even about ambition. It’s about stability. And if I don’t keep up, there’s a real risk I could lose that.

Go to school, get a job, succeed, stay productive, be responsible, and do it all while staying “well” and likable.

But these expectations pile up faster than anyone can reasonably handle. And most of them aren’t even about living. They’re about performing. Over time, that constant pressure adds up. What starts as stress turns into emotional burnout.

You’re expected to be productive without burning out. Social, but not excessive. Physically and mentally ready, even without the resources to fully support that. Financially stable, despite living in an economy that makes that more challenging than ever.

And somehow, you’re supposed to figure all of this out on your own. Keep up. Hold it together. None of it accounts for your individual battles, your limits, or the days when just existing feels like work.

the cycle starts again tomorrow.

The only way I’ve found to get through it is by taking things one day at a time. I take my antidepressants so I can think more rationally, be a little kinder to myself, and focus on what I can actually control. Not everything. Just the next step, the next hour, the next small thing. By the end of the day, I’m exhausted but relieved I managed to get by. Then I get home, and this uneasy feeling creeps in. Tomorrow, I have to do it all over again.

I wonder if I’ll ever get to a point where I can make something of myself in a way that feels sustainable. Where I can live comfortably, not through constant pushing or survival mode, but just by being who I am. I don’t know if writing honestly can do that, or if it’ll come from something else.

There was a time when I hoped music production could be that outlet. If I poured enough into it, that passion could carry me. But music often requires more than one person, and the industry is already oversaturated. It’s full of talented people who have the resources and likeability to stand out. I don’t think I had either, at least enough to make it work out the way I hoped it would.

I’m not bitter about that. Just realistic.

Still, I hold on to the possibility that one day, I’ll figure out how to stop needing so much from myself just to stay afloat. That being who I am could be enough. Not every day, but sometimes. Whether it’s through writing, music, or something else, I just hope I find whatever that is.

I want to believe that’s possible. And sometimes I do.

Even on the days when it feels possible, the cycle doesn’t really stop. The pressure remains the next morning. That feeling of not doing enough. Trying to make it through the day. There are moments of calm and sometimes a little hope, but it always finds its way back. I’ve had to figure out how to live with that. Not to fix it entirely but to ease it when I can.

If any of this resonates, you’re not alone. I mean that.