my dad died just before my 29th birthday. while our relationship was complicated, that didn’t make losing him hurt less. i’m still dealing with what i learned too late, what never got resolved, and the fact that there won’t be more time to change any of it.

autism doesn’t always look the way people expect. for me, it shows up in routines, challenges, and small comforts that keep life steady. over time, I’ve learned how masking, sensitivity, and self-acceptance shape my everyday life and how being on the spectrum has become part of who I am.

I used to wish I had the kind of college experience where I could focus only on school. But I’ve learned that my own path matters too. Learning keeps me active, grounded, and growing, reminding me that progress isn’t always about perfection but about persistence.

Sometimes I wonder if anything I create really matters. What’s the point of making something that could disappear? Yet in that question, I’ve found quiet meaning, to keep building, learning, and creating, even if no one sees it. Because maybe the point isn’t to change the world, but to find light and share it, no matter how small.

Sometimes it’s not the lyrics or the artist, it’s something about the sound itself. For a few minutes, you just feel alive again. That rush is called frisson, the moment music slips past all your reasoning and just makes you feel. It’s not just sound, it’s connection. A reminder that your capacity to feel deeply is still there, even when it hides.

“my version of lonely” explores my personal encounters with missed connections, changing friendships, and the quiet ways we cope when we’re not sure we truly belong.

some days, keeping up feels less like living and more like trying not to fall behind. emotional burnout can mean trying to stay functional and keep going when maintaining stability already feels exhausting.

Feeling average can start to feel like failure when being noticed becomes part of how we measure success. This piece reflects on self-worth, visibility, and learning to value ordinary effort without needing to stand out.