losing a parent in your 20s: empty, sad, i miss my dad.

My dad was 40 when I was born, and my mom was 37, so I knew I might lose one of them while I was still young. I suspected my dad would be the first because of his heart problems, his smoking, and how stubborn he could be about taking care of himself.

Knowing that didn’t prepare me. I still assumed there would be more time, and I didn’t always give him as much of mine as I could have. I also didn’t know how serious his health had become because he kept so much of it to himself.

He didn’t tell me he had gone to urgent care a little under three weeks before he died. I only learned after his death that he’d been living with an implanted heart device for several years.

My dad was found on July 20, four days before my 29th birthday. Based on the last date he marked on his calendar, I believe he died on July 19. His death certificate listed ventricular fibrillation, congestive heart failure, and coronary artery disease.

We’ve wondered whether he knew his health was getting worse. He updated his life insurance sometime after the urgent-care visit, within the month before he died. Maybe he didn’t want me to worry. I’ll never know what he was thinking, but I keep coming back to the timing.

Even if I couldn’t have changed what happened, I wish I had known. Maybe I would have given him more of my time or tried to talk with him more honestly.

I was dealing with my own mental health and everything happening in my life, and I did what I could at the time. I made plans with him outside of holidays and tried to maintain a relationship with him. There were times I could have done more, but the distance between us wasn’t entirely mine to fix. I could reach out and make plans, but I couldn’t make him communicate more openly or accept every invitation.

I loved him and wanted more of a connection with him. He mostly kept to himself and didn’t have many friends around him. I think being alone had become normal for him, and reaching out got harder over time.

I understand some of why he was distant. It still hurt, and I was frustrated with him. I wish he had stopped smoking, made more plans with me, and let me understand what was happening in his life. We weren’t especially close, and our relationship was complicated. That didn’t make losing him hurt less.

His sister, my aunt, died in early November 2025, which hit him hard. He was already isolated, but after that he withdrew even more. His depression seemed to get worse, and I worried about him.

The morning I was heading to his apartment, I still didn’t know whether he was alive. I was afraid he might have taken his own life because of his depression and loneliness. Finding out that wasn’t what happened gave me some relief because I knew how much I would have blamed myself. I would have wondered whether I should have noticed something sooner or whether I could have prevented it.

I still have what-if thoughts, but knowing the medical cause has helped take some of the guilt off me. Someone might have been able to help if they had been there when his heart went into ventricular fibrillation, but there’s no guarantee he would have survived.

I’m angry at the world for what happened, and I’m angry at myself for not doing more, even when I know that anger isn’t entirely fair. I’m also angry at my dad for not telling me how serious his health had become. He may have thought he was protecting me, or he may not have known how to talk about it. I only understood how serious it was after he was gone.

I didn’t have much time to process any of that because there were already things I had to handle. I had work, bills, messages, and decisions to make. I took bereavement leave and worked on his cremation arrangements on my birthday. There were accounts, paperwork, his property, and a legal process I’m still working through. I had to make decisions about his death before it fully felt real to me.

More recently, I turned in the keys to his apartment. I was returning a set of keys, but I knew I would never walk into that apartment as his home again. The legal process is still ongoing. Writing gives me something else to focus on when I need a break from it.

I miss my dad, and I miss the chance for our relationship to keep growing. I’m about to begin graduate school, and I keep thinking about how much of my life he won’t be here to see. He was supposed to attend my bachelor’s graduation, but he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t make it. At the time, I was disappointed. Now I wonder whether his health was already worse than I understood.

I wish he had made it to my graduation. I wish he could be here for what comes next.

After someone dies, you can start finding out things about them they never told you. You hear stories from relatives or coworkers and find old messages or objects that mean something different now.

I found a handwritten note in a Bible next to my dad’s bed that showed how seriously he was trying to work on himself and become a better person.

I keep thinking about how much I see my dad in myself as I get older. I look like him, and I recognize some of his habits and personality in me. It can make me feel connected to him, and it can also make missing him harder.

Losing a parent at this age can feel isolating because many people around you haven’t experienced it yet. It can also be hard to explain why the loss hurts so much when the relationship was complicated or distant. Being distant doesn’t mean the relationship meant nothing. I still grieve him, even with everything between us that was unresolved.

People often reach out right after someone dies, but the calls and messages eventually slow down even though the loss doesn’t. Other people return to their normal lives. Mine keeps moving too, but my dad is still gone forever.

I recently spoke with someone else my age who also lost a parent. They said it’s a feeling like no other and something people who haven’t lived through it can’t fully understand. It helps to talk to someone who doesn’t need the whole experience explained.

Losing him didn’t erase the problems in our relationship. I still wanted more time with him. Right now, I feel empty and sad, and I miss my dad.